Im sure every girl (and guy) have seen stupid arguments through facebook comments, twitter and even in real life about girls arguing on who;s prettier and/or who's skinnier.
Gah, I try so hard to avoid this from happening. But for me, it usually happens through facebook so I'd usually take their compliments even if they dont mean it and shrug it off rather than denying it completely and fish out for more compliments (publicly).
Recently, a friend of a friend (girl) saw me eating like a pig and commented on how she cant it cause shes so "fat" compared to me and said how skinny I was. Because I try to avoid having these stupid arguments, I thought, "I need to avoid this...." so I just looked at her and couldn't say anything to cause an argument so i just smiled... Then I realised, she was just staring at me like as if she was waiting for me to say something back like "nooo, im so fat, youre the skinny one".
Damn, that was so awkward. So she just walked away and i felt so bad cause I realised that she probably thought that I thought she was fat. Im such a horrible person, I cant deal with situations like these. so everyone, just don't insult yourself to compliment me.
LOL i dont know whether i made sense. I probably didnt.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Self-loathing.
Wow. I wish I updated my blog more often. But time got the better of me.
Today's post is going to be about me. I know, a very boring subject to blog/read about.
I often wonder how people look at me but.. when I do think about how people look at me, I think that they see me as a very happy girl with a very content life.
I dont know, thats what i think anyway. or hope to believe that they do.
Gah, i really need to vent. But i feel like i'll lose myself by letting everyone know (or whoever that reads this) that this is how i really am.
When a guy like sees a pretty girl and tells me that he thinks that she's pretty, immediately i would compare myself to what he thinks is "pretty". I would compare so much, and would even cry about it knowing that I cant be his definition of "pretty". I know, most of you might find this rather depressing and annoying even. but i genuinely feel this way.
I would try so hard to fit into his definition even though deep inside, i can never be that girl he thought was pretty. I'll hate myself for a while and mend myself by talking to my bestfriends about it. But it never really heals. its like a wound that refuses to heal and would keep opening up whenever the reason of why the wound was there in the first place keeps repeating itself like a neverending painful loop.
You know, I know I'm not beautiful, or remotely close to pretty or have the figure that every guy dreams of, and its pathetic for me to think that there'll be somebody that would look at me that way because I KNOW how i look.
When somebody compliments me on how i look, deep inside i feel like that somebody is just lying to me just to be nice. Every time. I never feel like anybody who told me that i was pretty or wtv, genuinely means it. Because i think they're just being nice. I mean, I'll never know whether they mean it or not. But how can they when I KNOW the way i look is definitely not on the lines of pretty and beautiful. Even when my bestfriends tell me that, I just cant believe it. I cant. I want to, of course, but in the end, I'll look in the mirror and believe that they dont mean it.
Whenever I talk to somebody new, I become more aware with how i look and wonder what they think when they first saw me. and then the image of my reflection in the mirror pops up in the back of my head and I'll start to stutter and be nervous and avoid eye contact. But its better now. I feel slightly more confident but still, it happens all the time.
Not only does my insecurity affects me, it affects my friendships and relationships.
Its so unfair for me to do that to them. But i can't help it.
I'm sorry to whoever I've caused problems with.
Im still trying, so please don't give up on me.
My insecurities make me such a horrible person whenever something arises that affects or triggers whatever insecurity i have in me. I hate myself so much for that, for letting my insecurities take hold of who i am. For a moment, I believed it became me. My insecurities is who i am.
I just want to say, I'm sorry, again.
Today's post is going to be about me. I know, a very boring subject to blog/read about.
I often wonder how people look at me but.. when I do think about how people look at me, I think that they see me as a very happy girl with a very content life.
I dont know, thats what i think anyway. or hope to believe that they do.
Gah, i really need to vent. But i feel like i'll lose myself by letting everyone know (or whoever that reads this) that this is how i really am.
When a guy like sees a pretty girl and tells me that he thinks that she's pretty, immediately i would compare myself to what he thinks is "pretty". I would compare so much, and would even cry about it knowing that I cant be his definition of "pretty". I know, most of you might find this rather depressing and annoying even. but i genuinely feel this way.
I would try so hard to fit into his definition even though deep inside, i can never be that girl he thought was pretty. I'll hate myself for a while and mend myself by talking to my bestfriends about it. But it never really heals. its like a wound that refuses to heal and would keep opening up whenever the reason of why the wound was there in the first place keeps repeating itself like a neverending painful loop.
You know, I know I'm not beautiful, or remotely close to pretty or have the figure that every guy dreams of, and its pathetic for me to think that there'll be somebody that would look at me that way because I KNOW how i look.
When somebody compliments me on how i look, deep inside i feel like that somebody is just lying to me just to be nice. Every time. I never feel like anybody who told me that i was pretty or wtv, genuinely means it. Because i think they're just being nice. I mean, I'll never know whether they mean it or not. But how can they when I KNOW the way i look is definitely not on the lines of pretty and beautiful. Even when my bestfriends tell me that, I just cant believe it. I cant. I want to, of course, but in the end, I'll look in the mirror and believe that they dont mean it.
Whenever I talk to somebody new, I become more aware with how i look and wonder what they think when they first saw me. and then the image of my reflection in the mirror pops up in the back of my head and I'll start to stutter and be nervous and avoid eye contact. But its better now. I feel slightly more confident but still, it happens all the time.
Not only does my insecurity affects me, it affects my friendships and relationships.
Its so unfair for me to do that to them. But i can't help it.
I'm sorry to whoever I've caused problems with.
Im still trying, so please don't give up on me.
My insecurities make me such a horrible person whenever something arises that affects or triggers whatever insecurity i have in me. I hate myself so much for that, for letting my insecurities take hold of who i am. For a moment, I believed it became me. My insecurities is who i am.
I just want to say, I'm sorry, again.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Right now
A lot can happen in 2 weeks. a lot.
Throughout this 2 weeks, i realised i need to start reevaluate everything.
What happened in this 2 weeks tested my friendships.
I know not many of you read my blog but this is my way of venting, so here goes..
What happened in this 2 weeks tested my friendships.
I know not many of you read my blog but this is my way of venting, so here goes..
what happened not only hurt him, it hurt me too.
I didnt go public about how i felt, but im sure he did. This cost me a lot of pain.
I think, every story has 2 sides of it, and people should know that.
Clearly, some of them didnt.
For the past few days, ive been at home, sleeping in the day time and playing The Sims Social at night. And thats about sums up my past few days.
not a good habit to pick up. I should spend my last few weeks, going out and be happy.
I didnt go public about how i felt, but im sure he did. This cost me a lot of pain.
I think, every story has 2 sides of it, and people should know that.
Clearly, some of them didnt.
For the past few days, ive been at home, sleeping in the day time and playing The Sims Social at night. And thats about sums up my past few days.
not a good habit to pick up. I should spend my last few weeks, going out and be happy.
I really need my bestfriends with me. but i cant bring myself to let them know that.
They have so many things going on for them, they dont need another burden like me to bring them out of their loop.
I feel very vulnerable and fragile.
I have less than a month here and i just want everything to be great especially before i leave.
I have less than a month here and i just want everything to be great especially before i leave.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
good day!
Today was really fun! Very chill :) Spent only RM2 on milo ice hahah.
Hung out with friends i havent seen in like ages. Like *PETERNEIK* ahem. Bloody sohai, too busy to hang out with me :(
Hung out with friends i havent seen in like ages. Like *PETERNEIK* ahem. Bloody sohai, too busy to hang out with me :(
But twas good, had about 200 games of pool. After playing with Haris, i feel like bettering myself at it by alot, like actually practicing. Seeing how I have a month and a half to play around and do nothing, i could do something "beneficial" and practice pool :p how i wish that could burn my fats away.
I wanted to dedicate next month (August) to like work-out, hardcore! FAIL, next month is fasting month -__-
I wanted to dedicate next month (August) to like work-out, hardcore! FAIL, next month is fasting month -__-
I wish eating could make me lose weight.
Just had pizza for dinner D:
toophat.>:(
peaceeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
yay!
I know its been months since i last blogged.
Alot has happened since March (my last post)!
Most of my friends know that Ive worked so haardd to put together an art portfolio from scratch with no guidance but help from my close friends (all in the span of 3 months). I practically stayed at home from January to March just to complete it by painting, drawing, brain-storming, sewing, sketching & what not. Just to make it more fun and less painful, i did it all infront of the tv.
My interview for the University of the Arts London was at the end of march. I was sooo nervous, I was literally shaking. But it was all worth it when I got accepted to London College of Fashion (one of the colleges under UAL) eventhough it wasnt my initial choice. I was soo happy.
Alot has happened since March (my last post)!
Most of my friends know that Ive worked so haardd to put together an art portfolio from scratch with no guidance but help from my close friends (all in the span of 3 months). I practically stayed at home from January to March just to complete it by painting, drawing, brain-storming, sewing, sketching & what not. Just to make it more fun and less painful, i did it all infront of the tv.
My interview for the University of the Arts London was at the end of march. I was sooo nervous, I was literally shaking. But it was all worth it when I got accepted to London College of Fashion (one of the colleges under UAL) eventhough it wasnt my initial choice. I was soo happy.
Right after that though, I had sooo much freedom. Im only leaving to the UK on the 14th September. So, since late March til now, i have been doing nothing beneficial. Just spent alot of my parents money.. I feel really really bad okay!
Here's a list of what ive been doing since march:
1. I went to Singapore.. twice. Shopping spreeee!
1. I went to Singapore.. twice. Shopping spreeee!
2. I got my visa done, finallyyyy! It got approved, thank god. Applying for visa was probably the most annoying thing ive ever done. Especially the UK visa -__- They ask you questions like as if everyone is a potential terrorist.
3. I got a couple of modelling gigs. Just for exposure, nothing serious!
4. Said goodbye to all my friends that left to aussie :(
5. WENT FOR INCUBUS!!!!!!!!!!!!! hell freaking yeah. Got their autographs too :p he-he
6. Cleared out my closet. had no idea how much junk i had til i cleared it. I might even do a post on de-cluttering your closet.
7. tried to do a lot of things that actually benefit me like lose weight, eat healthy, take up kickboxing, save money. atleast, i tried. haha :P
8. Found myself a roommate to live with in the UK!
9. Went out a loooott.
10. Ate alot of good food.
11. Spent almost all of my savings on the above ^
12. Went through puberty [Phase 2]
Yeah, well that basically sums it up.
Dont know whether anyone still reads my blog. but if you do, i'll give you a cookie :)
Dont know whether anyone still reads my blog. but if you do, i'll give you a cookie :)
ps:/ you should de-clutter your life, makes you feel better, i promisee :) sorry, watched too much Oprah!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Cussing.
I like cuss words!
I think people should start censoring their mouths.
So... Learn from me!
1. F*CK : FATHER/FISH/FISHCAKE/CRAP
2. MOTHERF*CKER: MOTHERFATHER
3. WHAT THE F*CK: WHAT THE FUDGE/WHAT THE FISHCAKE/ WHAT THE CRAP/WHAT THE CHEESE CRACKERS (or anything food related)
4. B*TCH: BETCH/BISH/FISH
5. D*CK: PENIS
i cant think of anymore swear words.
but here's a website related to my blog post;
http://www.noswearing.com
I think people should start censoring their mouths.
So... Learn from me!
1. F*CK : FATHER/FISH/FISHCAKE/CRAP
2. MOTHERF*CKER: MOTHERFATHER
3. WHAT THE F*CK: WHAT THE FUDGE/WHAT THE FISHCAKE/ WHAT THE CRAP/WHAT THE CHEESE CRACKERS (or anything food related)
4. B*TCH: BETCH/BISH/FISH
5. D*CK: PENIS
i cant think of anymore swear words.
but here's a website related to my blog post;
http://www.noswearing.com
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Happy Valentines Day
FCKH8
Oohyoutouchmytalala commented:
"99% likelihood that you watch lesbian porn and drool over it. 99.9% likelihood that you watch porn otherwise and drool over it. And you're calling male lovers 'perverts'. Lulul.
Oohyoutouchmytalala commented:
"99% likelihood that you watch lesbian porn and drool over it. 99.9% likelihood that you watch porn otherwise and drool over it. And you're calling male lovers 'perverts'. Lulul.
Pedofiles, rapists, murderers - legally, they all have as much right to get married as straight people. But then gays are persecuted for loving someone of the same sex? How can you not see that sexuality is the most fluent thing there is? Lesbian, gay, straight, bi, transgender - we're all fucking people."
FCKH8
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